Well the vibe of my blog seems to have been destroyed, and all thats left is a mild darkness.  Recent events in life seem to have finally taken its toll on me.  To make things worse my wife has left.  Just know it wasn't a huge fight or arguement.  It was a mutual descision on both sides.  To add insult to injury, the break up came inside a local Taco Bell over a burrito supreme and 4 taco supremes.  Even though it was mutual it doesn't stop the massive amount pain that comes with such events.  

I can't really describe what it felt like, I'm sure people who have experinced such pain would know.  I didn't really see it coming and now I'm just broken pyshically and mental.  Sort of in a daze and stage of denial, I really thought things had finally worked things out, and now everything has lost its interest.  I really just lay about thinking about what I should or should not have done.  How I couldn't keep the women I loved to stay, another chapter of life I failed miserably at.  On the other hand life does go on but right know its standing still and every minute is an eternity. 

Well today I come home from work and my wife is outside talking to her sister and her sister's boyfriend.   I go to the garage and my dog gets out.  So I have to chase after him and after about 15 minutes I get him back in the garage.

Before I finish last night I was teaching my wife the finer points of Halo.  Such as how to aim for the head, throw grenades, crouch walk, assassinate targets, etc.  She troughly enjoyed this and wanted to play some more, but I was tired and went to sleep.

Anyway, when I go inside from putting the dog away, there she is sexy as sin playing Halo with my sister's boyfriend.  She is almost beating him which hints she has been practicing at some point.  So I go out and buy another controller so I can join them.  This is one of the most awesome things my wife has ever done, but I keep asking myself

"What have I done?"

Well my wife has this aunt, and I really don't like this aunt at all.  She is anal, heartless and just plain annoying.  My dog Kodi has been through alot with tis move of ours, and he has gone from being an idside dog only to an outside dog with in 4 days.  He isn't allowed to even think of going inside the house.  She brags about how nice she is to animals and how she loves them, but she doesn't own one.  She completely ignores my dog and Kodi realizes this, so whenever she actually does give the dog attention, he completely ignores her.  She actually gets mad at this and goes inside, its pretty hilarious actually

Well on to the point, My inlaws bought some really cheap hotdogs to give to the dog.  We like to spoil the dog, its fun. Anyway I pull them out of the freezer and stick them in the fridge so they can thaw.  On the package it says DO NOT EAT FOR KODI.  My Aunt reads this and gets all crazy, saying how its a freakin dog and spending extra money on it is pointless and he doesn't know.  How its a waste of money and they make "dog" food for a freakin reason.  Its so pathetic to listen to this and hear just how heartless she can be

I really hate quitting something but my work is just bullshit.  Its fueled by bullsight, it's by product is drama and I can't stand it.  I got my hours cut I'm guessing because of Christina, or Tosha.

I'll probably turn in my 2 weeks notice somethime this week.  I've already went job hunting and I have some promising places.  I have an interview at Radio Shack, hopefully that turns out to be good

Ok guys look at women.  It's not a huge secret it hasn't been recently discovered, men look, check out and comment on women.  It's what we do.

 On to my point: another beautiful day working at the Mall, and I'm working with another female Tosha.  Now for lack of a better description Tosha is a stuck up slut.  Now I usually wrok with Travis (The cool one) and when you mix two guys and a mall full of hot girls, there is going to be some eye wondering.

 Anyway moving on.  I'm working with Tosha and a really hot mom walks by, and I saw

"Damn shes a milf"

More to myself then to Tosha but she got pissed.  She did the valley girl sigh or whatever it is and started tellin me I was a pig and whatever.  This is coming from a girl who brags about how she gets drunk and lets guys run a train on her and how she sucks dick so well.  So girls please let men be men :D

I've heard both that married men live longer and married men die younger.  I tend to believe that married men die younger.  The stress alone is what kills you.

I'm always worrying about something.  If my wife goes out with friends I'm left alone wondering about all the things that could happen.  Car wreck, getting druged and rapped, getting to drunk and doing something stupid.  I trust and love my wife but that really doesn't stop me from worrying about this kind of stuff.

Also I'm always worrying about wiether she still loves me.  If I'm making her happy, if I'm still good in bed, stuff like that.  I know my wife loves me but it's always there.  It's all so stressful yet pleasing all the time.  SO in the time I've typed this I changed my mind,  it all depends on the man wiether they die young or live longer.

Through out life I have alwas been taught that to get respect you must earn it.  I live by this little rule and when someone gets in my face about it, it really pisses me off.  Today I was stopped in the mall where I work by an old guy with nothing better to do then bitch at people.  I was swinging my keys which were on a strap.  This old guy (who btw is at the mall every single day without fail.) comes up to me and says

"Hey you better stop swinging your keys before you hit a little kid in the head and you get knocked on your ass."

I don't know about anyone else but to me that was an incredibly bad approach to the situation. So I reply with a simple ok.  He leaves and I continue to swing my keys.  Well about 15 minutes later (me still swing my keys) The old guy comes back.

"If you don't stop swinging those goddamn keys, I'll knock you on your ass, and then proceed to get you fired"

Well this really pissed me off so I reply with

"Old man shut up and mind your own goddamn buisness."

"Hasn't anyone taught you to respect your elders you punk ass"

Well the respect card and the young punk card played in the same round nice move old man, but I have a trump...its called Security!  So I called security and get him removed from the mall for the rest of the day.

Anyway the whole point is that I at no time should have respested this old man because he never gave me respect in the beginning.  I like how old people think they get implied respect.  You don't you are old and still live daily like everyone else.  There is nothing special about it expect you have been alive alot longer.  You still have to earn it.

Now I mentioned implied respect.  Implied respect would be directed toward titles.  For example:  Sir, Ma'am, Sergent, Mr. President etc.  Now an example of implied respect used in a conversation would be:

"Fuck you, Sergent"

or

"With all do respect sir, you're an idiot

Though I may not have been respectful with my words, I did give implied respect.   At the same time when you first meet someone a certain amount of respect is given.  If you approach someone like an ass, well guess what, they will be an ass back.

Well I had a wonderful day at work today being called a

"Little shit talking girl" 

Yeah isn't that weak.  It went like this.  A few days ago a girl I work with named Christina started gossiping about this other girl that works with us named Candice.  She said that Candice was only attracted to asshole men.  This was rather ammusing to me so I had to poke fun at it.  I went up to Candice and said:

"So I hear you like to date asshole men.  Well you know what you are a filthy whore and I'm going to smack the shit out of you"  (something to that affect anyway)

This statment was said in the utmost jokingly manner.  Candice laughed I laughed, the timing and what I said was freakin funny.  So I'm standing there today and Christina comes up and gets in my face saying that Candice told her that I was talking mad shit and that I'm the FNG (fucking new guy) and that I better keep my:

"Shit talking girly mouth" shut

Well this has been majorly dramafied.  Why do girls do this?  Does it ,make them feel good or they have nothing better to do?  Don't get me wrong not all girls do this, just the immature ones.  So I call Candice and ask

"What the fuck? over"

Candice says that when she told Christina what I said she got pissed and went crazy.  Christina told the Manager and I almost get fired because the Manager wants to suck Christina's left nut and blah blah blah, the end.  Some Drama Bullshit 

Why do younger teens insist on putting giant, ugly, stupid looking spoilers on thier front wheel drive Honda Civic?  Whats even better they put the spoiler on a Civic thats like 13 years old and a big shiny exhuast that sounds like a can of pissed off bees.  The spoiler does NOTHING on a front wheel drive car people.  Get a Subaru and actually do something to the engine...

You know I have some really badass friends.  Lately I've had a little problem with money since I got in trouble with the Military.  Well anyway I have a friend named Chris.  I needed money for a cab and he gave it to me, no questions asked and him knowing full well that he probably won't get paid back.

Then I'm at Burger King and my card gets denied, he steps up and pays for it no questions asked.  This makes me feel really bad and all.  So I go to pay him back and he says:

"Dude you are fucking broke, there is no way I'm gonna worry about you paying me back.  You have shit to take care of"

I have this other friend named Ashley, and I was at the gas station when I ran into her.  We talked for a minute and I went to buy a 12 pack of soda and some Doritos and my card get denied.  She has already paid for her stuff and she starts to go out the door and stuff 10 dollars in my pocket and is gone before I could say thanks.  Its times like this that tell me dealing with life and treating people right is well worth it

I'm working with a friend and he says

"I bet I can make you say Flag."

I reply with, "Oh really how?"

"Spell Monkey."

"M-O-N-K-E-Y"

"What does that spell?"  he asked

"Uhh Monkey."

"See I told you I could get you to say Monkey."

"What?  You said I could get you to say flag!"

"You just said flag"

......."You bastard"

One day a boy named Jimmy was walking to school when he ran into two old ladies. He started talking to them and the converstation shifted to a little box they were holding

 "Hey little boy would you mind taking this box for us?" One of the old ladies asked.

"Sure" he replied.

"The only thing is you cant look in it, and you cant leave is anywhere."

"Sure no problem"

So they give the box to Jimmy and he makes it to school. He gets in class and its show and tell day. The teacher asks everyone in the class if they have something and she gets to Jimmy.

"Do you have something to show the class Jimmy?"

"No"

"What about that box you have?"

"Well I got this box from two old ladies, but they said I couldn't look in it."

"Well can I look in it?"

Jimmy thinks to himself and decided that the old ladies only said he couldn't look. So he hand the box to the teacher and she opens and looks inside. She gets all pissed off and yells like crazy. She tells Jimmy to go to the office. Jimmy is thinking to himself

"What is in that damn box?"

So Jimmy goes to the principles office and sits down. The principle asks:

"Jimmy what happen? You are an A studnet and have never been sent here, what have you done?"

"Well sir I was walking to school when these two old ladies gave me this box. They said to never look in it."

"Well Jimmy can I take a look?"

Again Jimmy decides that only he isnt aloud to look in it. SO he hands it to the principle. He looks inside it and get all pissed off and yells like crazy.

"Get the hell off school property, You're expelled!"

So Jimmy dumbfounded gets up and heads home. The whole time he is thinking to himself

"What could possibly be in this box!?"

 He gets home and his mom gets mad

"Why aren't you at school?"

"Well mom I was walking to school and these two old ladies gave me this box but said I can't look in it. I let my teacher look in it and she gets all crazy and sent me to the office. I show the principle and he gets all pissed off and sends me home, so here I am."

"Oh well can I look in the box?" Jimmy thinks for a moment and decides

"Screw it what worse could happen?" S

o he hands the box to his mom who looks in it. She freaks out

"Get out of my fucking house! Get out, get out!"

Jimmy grabs the box and bolts through the door narrowly missing getting hit with a vase.

"What the fuck is in this damn box!!?"

So Jimmy sets out for his friends house and its rather late. A cop pulls up and asks what he is doing out so late. Jimmy sighs and explains the whole story to the cop.

"Whoa all that over a box, well let me see?"

Jimmy hesitates because of whats already taken place. He decides fuck it and hands the box to the cop. The cop looks inside and he gets all pissed off.

"You little bastard get in the fucking car now!"

Jimmy sighs and gets in the back of the car and off they go to the jail. Two days later he apprears before the judge.

"Jimmy you are too young to get arrested what could you have done?"

Jimmy on the verge of tears explains the whole story again.

"Surely something can't be that bad, they must be over reacting. Can I see whats in the box?"

"Sure whatever your Honor"

Jimmy yet again hands over the box and the judge looks inside.

"What the fuck! alright boy thats it I'm giving you life in prison!"

Jimmy fraks out and goes to look in the box but remembers he isn't allowed too. So they send him off to prison. He gets to his cell and his cell mate asks

"Man what did you do to get life?"

"Shit I was walking to school one day and these two old ladies give be a goddamn box and tell me I can't look in it. I get to school and my teacher wants to see whats in it, she gets mad sends me to the principle's. I get htere show that fool what sit in it and he expels me! I get home and my mom kicks me out, this cop arrests me and the judge sentences me to life in prison and all I want is to know whats in the godamn box but I can't!"

"Tough shit man, can I see?"

"Why the fuck not!?" Jimmy tosses the box to his cellmate and he looks inside

"Hey thats pretty awesome"

"What? WHAT IS IT?"

"Chill man, if you help me get out of here I let you know"

"Whatever as long as I know whats in that damn box."

 So they plan to break out and they get over the wall and Jimmy demands to know whats in the box. "Lets get to the forest first man." So they bolt to the edge of the forest and Jimmy again demands to know. "Comeone lets get through the forest first then I'll tell you" So the race through the forest and get to a road. "Man if you don;t tell me whats in the box I'm gonna kill you!" "I promise ouch we get across this road I'll tell you I swear." They go to cross the road and Jimmy get hit by a big truck. The moral to the story is look both way before crossing the street.

Lately I've been having trouble concentrating on extremely simple tasks, like taking out the trash, or doing the dishes. I'll stand there in a daze just staring off into nothingness. I really haven't been myself either. I'm usually motivated to get up in the morning but I find myself dreading it. I drag ass in the mornings now. I don't get much sleep at night. My sleep is plagued with nightmares, at least 3 a night. They consist of people tring to kill, maim, torture, and hurt me in any way they can. I think I might be losing my mind...

Update 02/04/06

Well the Nightmares seem to be getting worse. More vivid, they feel more real, and I still can't sleep. It's starting to make me very uneasy. At work I snap at the little things now. I think I might go to the doctor see if something is wrong upstairs...

Update 02/09/06

The doctor says that my mind is making up Nightmares to keep me awake.  Its some kind of sleep disorder that I gave up trying to pronounce.  He gave me Lunesta.  Let me tell you these bad boys work on making you sleep, but they make you feel  like shit the next day.  At least I won't be bothered.  I hate taking pills though, it makes me feel weak that I have to rely on something to make me healthy